now, u can park ur ass and drive!!

hey there people, its that time of the year again. time to get a driving a license..
well at least for some of us. so yeah i know some of ur are busy working ur ass off 2 get a drivers license, and i know how frustrating it is when u start the engine, shift into 1st gear, and see the car do an awesome shuffle move, and then the engine just dies.

so i thougt, 'hey , y dont i share my experience and knowledge and teach these kids how 2 drive'
ok..without any furthe or due.. lets begin!!

1) parking ur rear cheeks inside the car
well 1st of all u will need 2 sit in the car comfortably. and to do this u will need 2 adjust the position of the seat. so if ur a topshop size 8 or 10, u dont have 2 anything honey, ur physique is perfect, and the seat is set 4 u. if ur a topshop size 6, then pull the seat towards the front u skinny bitch!!!and try eating more next time!! and finally if ur a size 16....... ermmm well .. mummy.. u will have 2 ask the examiner for a hummer or a pajero or sumtin... coz i dont think kancils are meant for size 16s. owh n even if some african dude says u have a nice body, dont get 2 excited, check 1st if the seat needs 2 be pulled backwards. ur gonna drive, peoples life are
at stake here.. not the time 2 be naive!!

2)checking the view mirrors
next u will have 2 check the mirrors. make sure that u look good in every single mirror. this will probably a good time 2 put on ur stylo mylo fake sunglasses and check if u missed a spot with ur make up or if the make up u have been using is cheap. finally,reposition the side mirrors so that at a traffic light u can check out any hot babes or dudes in the car next 2 u without getting kantoi.

3)starting the engine
now before u start the engine, u will need to check if the gear is in neutral. to do this, u will need 2 position the stick in the middle and give it a shake. guys are used 2 dis, so girls.. u will need some practice 1st ok..... now u can start the engine. and dont 4get 2 check dat the wiper and signals are all workin. size 6 to size 14 people will have 2 do this because ur using a cheap ass msian kancil. size16s, not so much since u will be using a hummer.see being a size 16 has its benefits........NOT!!!!!!

4)music!!
now, music is key 2 good driving. u need some good music 2 get u moving. so pick a good radio station, like light and easy or something. or better yet, bring a mix cd or sumthing. but then kancils dont have a cd player. they use tapes...urghhh. but hummers and pajeros do!! see another benefit for size 16s....ok ill let u guys have this one.. coz its o'some 2 have nice music 2 jam 2 in a car.

5)moving the car.
ok fasten ur seat belt coz now starts the fun part. first, step on the clutch pedal(the one on the far left) fully until it touches the floor. then with ur foot still stepping on the clutch, shift the gear into 1st. now starts the tricky part, the part where if u screw up, will make the car do the 'chicken head' dance. so here is how u do it r8. after u have shift the gear into 1st, u will need 2 release ur foot from the clutch. but dont release it 2 fast like some snake bit ur ass or sumtin. but release it slowly and stop half way until the car starts 2 move slowly. here is one good example how 2 release it, imagine stepping on a big lump of shit on the side of the road, u know hw u will lift ur foot slowly 2 check ur shoe but at the same time disgusted that u have stepped on shit and thinking "owh god, y me?y my favourite shoes?!!!!".....yah dat is how u should release ur foot.
okie dokie, now that the car is moving. press on the accelaration pedal. and then change the gear by stepping on the clutch 1st and then repeat the "stepped on shit" move. now, ur ready 2 smile n get on the road.

ok now im not gonna elaborate on road rules..
red means stop. green means go. yellow means step on it, u can make it. im sure u all know dat r8, i mean cmon, dont u watch those ads on tv. even kids playing in the playgorund know it.

so now, wat if ur really nervous and ur afraid dat u will screw up ur driving test?
well i have a couple of suggestions.
1st of all, 4get bout that jeans and shirt, and go for that skanky dress hiding in ur closet. make sure it does not exceed ur knees and it makes the best of ur ASSets. then,drop that avon perfume, and dab on some Burberry.
wats dat?no money? wazza larr babe!!duhh..
next, when u enter the car.. say "how u doin?"(in a joey tribbiani way).
n then when u fasten ur seat belt, place the belt in between those assests of urs. yeah like how u did it in high school with ur sling bags..yeah i know u did.
finally, 2 really ace dat test, give that stick in the middle a gentle rub and a couple of shakes 2 check if its neutral.( im talkin bout the gear stick, u dirty minded kid).
ok, so i know ur smart enough 2 know that this works only if ur a chick, n the examiner is a guy not a lady(u wouldnt wont 2 be labelled a bitch now would u). owh n do it only if u drive the kancil ..if u know wat i mean.


so dats about it people..i guess i have done my part in helping some of u..they are really helpful n im sure they will work. so dont 4get i helped u, n give me a ride once in a while when u get ur licence. im gettin tired of ridin in red fury.....(u know i didnt mean that nada)
ok good luck people!!!

p.s:depending on the reponse i get from this post, maybe i can teach u guys how 2 race a car!!
coz i coulnt help but overhear that some of u kids wanna race each other..ok!!!